what it feels like (for me) to have schizophrenia

sometimes, I hear voices

a friend reached out ytd to ask me about my schizophrenia (“schizo”) experiences, he just found out his cousin was recently diagnosed with schizo and died from suicide, and he wanted to understand more about it

I wrote about it on Threads but I think it’s interesting enough to share here, I’m just copying & pasting what I wrote there so forgive the lack of grammar and weird sentence structures

schizo affects ppl differently, so I don't know exactly what other ppl with schizo go through, but these are my personal experiences with it and if you want to learn more, this might give some insight >>

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I was diagnosed with schizo in 2017 when I was 26 yo, I was in the US at the time working at Zappos which was based in Las Vegas

environment (esp the ppl around) is a big factor in triggering schizophrenic episodes, at the time Zappos was going through a lot of organizational restructuring, Trump had just started his presidency and I was on a work visa as a foreigner, and I lived in downtown Las Vegas to be close to work since I didn’t have a car

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ppl with schizo are born with it but might not know they have it till it triggers a big episode, if it never triggers in their life then they prob would never know they have it, it's like a sleeper agent lol

I didn’t know until 2017 and maybe I’ve had smaller episodes before but didn’t realize it was bc of schizo

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that’s kind of the trippy thing about schizo, it basically makes me break from reality but I can’t tell if what’s happening in front of me is actually happening or if it’s just in my head, like I hear it and see it and it all seems very real, but it’s not – or is it?

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when I have a really bad episode, I feel a lot of fear bc I hear things, like my own voice which can be really harsh or manipulative, or other ppl’s voices, like if I’m out in public I will hear ppl around me say really shitty things about me

like I can see them say it with their mouths and hear their voices from outside my body, things I’m insecure about or have hidden deep down, like an extreme kind of paranoia, like the Truman Show, it feels like this world isn't real

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once in a while when I have a really bad schizo episode, I will try to push everyone away, I have had to pause friendships with some of my closest friends, or I’ll try to find a place to get away from everyone

I’d really like to make a short film about it someday, inspired by my friend’s ADHD film he made in high school, I already know how it’ll look and sound

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checking into a hospital or rehab has crossed my mind many times but even there you’re not truly alone, like when I say alone I mean middle of the woods no humans around for miles kind of alone

it’s the only way I would feel safe or protected from the schizo, but it’s also hard to be truly alone in this world we live in, and as humans we’re not wired to go through life alone anyway

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schizo is a very lonely experience but not in the same way as depression can be, tho I have experienced depression from it when I couldn’t find a place to be alone

I’m lucky bc I have a great support system of family and friends that I know love me, that helps a lot, and I regularly work on healing and mental health

bad episodes are usually triggered by lack of sleep, fatigue, stress, sometimes mind-altering drugs like weed or shrooms will trigger schizo too

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a few ppl with schizo will end up harming others, mostly bc they don’t believe those ppl are real and want to get rid of them so it’s mostly out of fear, but most ppl with schizo end up harming themselves, suicide isn’t uncommon bc sometimes that’s the only way the voices will stop and feel truly at peace

when the schizo is really bad, I’m basically in a parallel universe of this world, and everything I know doesn't make sense anymore but like I'm still here

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the first time I had a bad episode in 2017, I didn’t know I had it, I wasn’t sleeping or eating for over 3 days straight, I called the only friend I thought I had then and she told me to just eat anything I could stomach, like a piece of white bread, and she told me to check myself into the hospital if I still couldn’t sleep

I took her advice and she probably saved my life, a guardian angel, thank you Anna D’Andrea

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that night when I still couldn’t sleep, and as I was drifting in and out of sanity, I called an Uber to take me to the nearest hospital, but while I was waiting for it, the voice in my head was telling me:

"relax, I’m overreacting, just cancel the Uber and try lying down again"

so I canceled the Uber

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but when I drifted back into sanity I realized I had to call 911 otherwise I would never make it the hospital myself, and when the ambulance came, I didn’t even believe the EMTs were real, not like unreal as in nonexistent but unreal as in fake, like I thought they were paid actors or kidnappers

they had to tranquilize me bc I wouldn’t go with them and I woke up 12 hours later in the psych ward at a nearby hospital

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there were so many patients who needed help across Vegas that the doctor wasn’t even there, he was visiting other hospitals to take care of the patients there and wouldn't be back for a few days

when he got back, he asked me some questions and discharged me, he wasn’t a psychiatrist so he wasn’t allowed to diagnose me so I still didn’t know I had schizo, my mom flew over to take care of me and we called 30+ psychiatrists in Vegas and the closest appointment we could make was 3 months later

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so I decided to quit my job that week and came back to Taiwan where I went to see a very good psychiatrist who diagnosed me with schizo in like 3 mins and I looked up the symptoms and it matched what I experienced

since then I’ve spent the last 7 yrs working on living with it, I’m still learning but it’s getting a lot easier to deal with

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the biggest battle with schizo is figuring out what’s real and what’s the schizo

it’s super hard to tell bc everything you see or feel or hear in this world is transmitted thru your brains and neurons and chemical reactions etc. (sorry for the inaccuracy, I was never good at science) but basically you get the idea

so the schizo kind of hacks my brain to make me see and hear things, it's basically impossible to tell if it’s the schizo or if it’s reality (but what is real anyway amirite)

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most of the time I wish I was never born, I’m not suicidal but it gets really hard, wish I didn’t have to deal with it

it’s also genetic so maybe Lyor has it, one reason I didn’t want my own kids is bc of this risk, but at least I can help him if he has it, I don’t know anyone in my family with schizo so I'm pretty much figuring it out as I go along

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recently being a new mom and taking care of an infant with lack of sleep I’ve experienced a few episodes these past 2 months, thankfully

Jack An

 knows how to take care of me in these situations, I feel so lucky to be married to him

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some upsides bc not everything is doom and gloom: 

(1) it forces me to get enough sleep, eat enough, and be healthy in general so the episodes don’t get triggered easily

(2) I’ve learned to listen to it, it can act like a signaling tool to tell me when an environment is unsafe for me or there are ppl who have bad intentions around me, I know I need to leave the place, or if I need to take a break, or if I need to be alone

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it takes a lot of time and support, if I feel very safe and loved by someone I rarely experience a bad episode, I might have schizo symptoms but the voices are gentle and kind

there was this interesting study with ppl with schizo in North America vs Africa, Americans hear loud, angry voices bc the culture is more direct and independent, while Africans hear friendly, soft voices bc the culture is more communal, so it really helps when you trust the environment and in the ppl around you

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cities are pretty bad for schizo, that's why I really want to move to Yilan or Fulong or somewhere with less ppl in Taiwan

anyway hope this was interesting and useful, if you know anyone with schizo and want to learn more to help them feel supported, feel free to reach out ~